In-laws pressure man to allow fiancée to be stay-at-home mom, he refuses because of her $120k student debt: 'This simply doesn’t fit in the budget'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Aug 31, 2026 9:15 AM EDT

It costs a lot to be a competent parent.

One of the biggest issues facing people who want to have kids today is that they are a major expense. Even for those wannabe moms or dads who aren't interested in private schools or the latest baby gadgets have to think long and hard about how to budget for children. That is a whole other person or several who isn't going to be increasing the family income themselves.

As a result, most of those who want to have kids have to make sacrifices here and there to be able to afford them. Perhaps they don't take as many vacations, or they switch up where they buy their groceries. 

One of the most common ways in which parents try to afford their children is that they go back to work as soon as possible. It isn't necessarily the best solution, but many families simply have no choice. There may be value in having a parent at home when the kids are young, but these days, it often isn't feasible to survive on a single income. Getting into debt when there are children to pay for is a lot worse than only having to think about your own finances.

 

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  • A man gestures while explaining something to his female partner, who is sitting beside him.
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    A man gestures while explaining something to his female partner, who is sitting beside him. Scene shown is a visual representation.


     

  • A couple was soon to be married and had been discussing their plans to have children within the next couple of years. The woman had hoped to be a stay-at-home mom, but the man vetoed it due to her six-figure student loans.

    However, her family insisted she should be able to quit her job when they had kids. The man wasn't sure if he was being too harsh by telling her that it wasn't a financially viable possibility.

  • Am I wrong for telling my fiancée she cannot be a stay at home mom in the future?

    I (34M) and my fiance (33F) are getting married next year and we are in agreement about having a child within 2 years. Recently, her and her family have broached the topic of her quitting her job and staying home with the child, at least until our kid gets to school age.
    via DiligentThought9
  • I am against this. I make between 85- 95k a year pending bonuses and her salary is 53k. Financially, we could make it on my pay alone if it wasn't for her student loans. She has 120,000 dollars in private student loans. These loans have a payment of 850 dollars every month, there is no option for forbearance like public loans or adjusting the payment for income. This simply doesn't fit in the budget.
    via DiligentThought9
  • My fiancé seems to understand this, but her family (mother in particular) is really pushing her being at home. I don't want to come across as forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do or be accused of not putting my future child first, but to me the answer is in black and white on the spreadsheet. AITAH?
    via DiligentThought9
  • A man and a woman sitting beside one another clasp hands and look at one another.
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    A man and a woman sitting beside one another clasp hands and look at one another. Picture does not depict real parties.

  • There was one way she might be a SAHM.

    Traditional-Trade 795 NTA but it us a fixable issue - if your in laws want your fiance to stay home, they should just pay off her student debt :)
    via Traditional-Trade795
  • Maleficent_Maize_409 Do an experiment. Spend the next couple of years (before kids) living off your paycheck alone. Use her paycheck to pay off the loans early. You'll pay off the loans early, saving on interest, and discover if your salary can actually support the two of you (without the added expenses of a baby).
    via Maleficent_Maize_409
  • If it doesn't work, you'll still have her salary as a cushion, and she'll understand the importance of bringing in that salary. If it does work, then you can reevaluate your parenting plan to include her being a SAHM.
    via Maleficent_Maize_409

  • Maybe the in-laws needed to get involved in a different way.

    Natenat04 Her mom can pay off her student loans if she wants to give her opinion. You cannot afford to pay for her student loans, and your fiancée to stay home. Her job is what covers the cost of the loans, and provides a financial buffer. Your fiancée is responsible for shutting her mom down.
    via Natenat04
  • Top-Bit85 Why is your fiancée allowing her mother to give input into things that should be private between the two of you? Does she secretly agree that she should stay home? Be careful this won't get better with time. NTA.
    via Top-Bit85
  • SDinCH All that matters is what you and your fiancée decide and agree on.
    via SDinCH

  • The family should have thought ahead.

    WorkMeBaby1 More Time "You allowed her to accumulate 120k in student loan debt, so we can't afford her at home. But if you pay that off, we can afford her to be a SAHM. When can we expect the check?"
    via WorkMeBaby1MoreTime
  • Embarrassed_Hat_2904 ΝΤΑ Her mom should have been pushing her to not take out 120k in private student loans to only make 53k a year. That's when momma advice would have been more helpful.
    via Embarrassed_Hat_2904
  • CharKrat Live off just your income NOW and have her put her WHOLE INCOME towards her student loans. She'll have them paid off in 3 years. Plan for the baby at the end of those 3 years. Edit... you don't want all that debt when you start a new family.
    via CharKrat

  • They needed to be on the same page.

    Holiday_Beautiful297 Neither of you are ready to be married or have a child if you aren't in agreement on this. Also, your future in-laws sound overbearing.
    via Holiday_Beautiful297
  • OneMoreTimeJack Is you fiancee really in favor of not quitting? Do you trust her to have a baby and then go back to work after maternity leave? If this is just her MIL pushing, that is fixable. If it is your fiancee, that is a way bigger problem.
    via OneMoreTimeJack
  • Anderson22422 You're not marrying the mom. Start making suggestions about her mom and dads marriage
    via Anderson22422
  • logical-sanity I have to wonder at her parents that would let her rack up 130k in loans to start her life and then tell her to quit work to have a child.
    via logical-sanity

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stay at home mom family drama relationships mother in law
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